“Losing you was grey. It was slow and gradual and that hurts so much more than red or black. I wish you had left abruptly but I had to watch every color we painted lose its meaning until everything was grey. It started off slow. You stopped asking me how my day was. Maybe you didn’t care anymore, maybe you never did. then it was missed calls and hours between replies. I thought you were busy. I didn’t realize how fast you can lose people in gaps of time. You saw me less, and I stopped hearing the anticipation in you voice. I stopped feeling the lust on your lips. Our conversations started feeling like a chore you had to force yourself into. You stopped saying goodnight and thats when I knew I lost you. It was small things, it started off with such a simple phrase. Conversations got shorter until there was nothing left. I look back at it and I can’t believe how an entire relationship can crash so silently. You left without making a sound. It was like you were secretly planning it all along. I wonder when you decided this wasn’t enough anymore. I felt it coming. I can’t lie and say it was a surprise. But the thing about a slow ending is you think you can save it. You think if you slowly take off the band-aid you can ease yourself into it but it just ends up hurting over a longer period of time. I watched you fall out of love with me slowly and that stung more than anything. I watched myself lose myself in trying to regain your attention. I tried speaking softer, I tried kissing more passionately. I lost 10 pounds. I tried to not make a sound, chewed quieter. I didn’t realize that I had already lost you and I was losing myself too now. I still can’t believe how much pain someone can cause with so little mess. Our breakup wasn’t glass shattering, it wasn’t a crime scene with blood splattered on the walls, it wasn’t messy. It was quiet. it was slow, It was drowning in the middle of the ocean with no one to hear you. slow painful death with no one to blame but yourself for swimming so far so carelessly. I wish I knew what made you stop caring about how my day went. I wish you stayed.”— I don’t know how else to describe it.
PLJ
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